To my sweet inspiration:

1_crying_girlI miss you. I’ve been feeling empty inside without you around. Maybe lost is a better way to describe it. I’ve been looking all over for you, but haven’t been able to find you. I don’t know where you’ve gone and I’m like a lost child at the mall desperately seeking her mom. My eyes are welling as they dart from side to side each time I think I’ve caught a glimpse of you. My hands are trembling in fear you might leave without me. My stomach is churning in nervousness you might never come back.

What happened? I thought we were doing so well. Remember that time you brought me the “lone nut” video? Remember that? We were so happy together that day. You sat beside me as I wrote, encouraging me with every word like my own personal cheerleader. I felt like I was soaring. We giggled. We hugged. We were like inseparable teenage BFFs. I thought we’d be together forever.

But recently something has changed. I haven’t heard from you in such a long time despite my efforts to call you. Are you screening my calls? Did you change your number? Are you ignoring me? Are you mad at me? Please don’t say you’ve found another author to share your genius with. Please don’t. It would kill me. I need you, but every time I look around all I see are other artists with their inspiration walking together arm in arm, cavorting and living with such ease in the moment. They only remind me of my loneliness without you. Each word I type feels hollow. Each idea trivial. I sit, near lifeless, in front of my screen longing for my sweet inspiration to return to me.

Maybe I was too distracted when you came to me with your latest vision. Maybe I’ve let “life” get in the way of a true connection with you. Maybe I didn’t say “I love you” enough. Maybe another artist is treating you better than I ever did and you’re finding fulfillment in someone else’s heart. I don’t know. I wish I knew.

Please tell me its not too late for us. I can change. I’m ready to change. Please know it’s my simple desire to be with you always. Let me show you I’m worthy. We can change the world together. I know we can. When I’m with you my world is magical. You always leave me spellbound and blissful. I want to give that to you too. Please give me another chance. I beg you. I am nothing without my inspiration.

In hopes you will come back soon.

Yours always,

P.S. I made homemade chocolate chip cookies for you.

Instrument of light and joy

I have this belief that we all have this incredible glory and light within us, but most of us – me included – are too damn afraid to admit that we might be pretty wonderful people if we just gave ourselves a chance. I also believe that it’s in the opening of ourselves and sharing even the tiniest glimpses of our inner glory with each other, that the the light within actually shines brighter and makes the world that much better of a place.

My simple desire is to be an instrument of light – of my own and maybe of those around me who I connect with or who come to this space.

This makes me think of one of my favourite songs: Great Big Sea’s “When I’m Up”. It starts with “I am the fountain of affection. I am the instrument of joy,” and it continues with “I am lifted. I am lifted. When I’m up I can’t get down, can’t get down, can’t get level. When I’m up I can’t get down, get my feet back on the ground.” Every time I hear it I get pumped and am lifted! I want to dance like a crazy woman soaking up the energy and joy it brings out in me.

I start screaming, “Yes! That’s me! I want to be an instrument of joy! I want to bring out the joy in my kids! I want to bring out the joy in my friends! I want to bring out the joy at work! I want to bring out the joy in the entire world!” and on and on until I’ve gone from bringing out the joy in the entire world to the entire Milky Way to the entire, infinite universe in my enthusiasm. My simple desires, aren’t always that simple to be honest.

Anyway, I honestly am lifted by the concept. I’m lifted by the possibility of being an instrument of light or joy in everyday moments that feel to most of us just like that – everyday moments. Dreary. Boring. Normal. Sameness. Why not? Because it’s actually in those every day moments when the magic happens even though we don’t usually take a second to see it. Too busy getting ready for the next thing to happen, we don’t actually see what is happening right now.

LIke this morning, for example. It’s about time to leave and my 7-year old hasn’t yet brushed her teeth because I said something about paper airplanes and she just had to run downstairs to make one right then. There is no later with kids. And, of course, I’m simply anxious and hyper about getting out the door on time that I didn’t soak up how completely focused and excited she was by the possibility of her ability to make a piece of paper fly. So being the awesome mother I am, I scolded her for dinking around and ended up making her cry. How am I an instrument of joy in that scenario? #FAIL – as my 10-year old would say.

Anyway, I get I won’t be successful in every moment, but I can still have the simple desire to be it more often. That’s all I’m going for. That’s all any of us can go for. I just know the more we deliberately try, the more often we’ll get it right, and maybe the more we’ll rub off on others. So, I’m in. You?