Kicking the shit out of myself

Georges St. Pierre

Anders looks like this these days. I’ve been training him well…too well. (photo of Georges St. Pierre courtesy of

For the past several months I’ve been kicking the shit out of myself. Seriously. I’ve become the light weight MMA champion of the octagon, going through fight after fight, winning them all, with the only opponent being me. I’ve been walking around sore, bruised, bloody and swollen…and I keep going back in for more.

You see, I have an incredibly powerful, Georges St. Pierre-esque alter ego: Anders. He’s incredibly effective at making me feel smaller than I am. He’s especially effective when I give him a lot of one-to-one focus and training. Clearly I’ve done well by him recently. So, as a result, he’s been winning a lot and his ego is starting to whiz out of control.

My beautiful Ariadne: my Goddess of Light

My Goddess of Light – Ariadne

Usually, on the other side is Ariadne. My goddess. My true self. When she is in full force, her strength is unmatched. Her light is alluring. Her beauty is breathtaking. However, I kept her hidden in the shadows of late have not trusted her enough to even come into the ring with me.

What I’m coming to realize is that Anders gets fierce and potent when it’s time to make a big change in my life. One that Ariadne has been leading me toward, but that makes Anders feel uncomfortable. My fear and hesitancy allow him to enter the ring, all brawny, ready for combat, to ensure I stay the course, no matter how dreadful the consequence of potential bitterness, anger and likely depression. “Don’t risk too much. You don’t know what you might lose.” That’s his thing.

And unfortunately for me Anders is not just muscle. He’s got smarts too. He’s a master debater and can adeptly justify and rationalize how the grass is greener on the current side of the fence. (Ah, the damn devil you know.) And when I don’t call in Ariadne, he outwits me every time. I struggle for rebuttals and never find the right words to express my current level of discontent.

My true simple desire is to live in joy, but when I give Anders all my power, what am I left with? My soul knows Ariadne has the wisdom and true understanding, but too often I fear her glory, and Anders is ready and waiting to feed me his lies.

So, enough of the shit kicking. Enough of being bullied around by this brute. Time to get Ariadne into the light again. Time to get back to my simple desires. Ariadne, the gloves are yours!

3 thoughts on “Kicking the shit out of myself

  1. Michele says:

    Go Ariadne, go! I will be watching and waiting to see your glory!

  2. […] as you can tell from my last blog post, I’ve been choosing the former. I’ve been frozen on the path, having no idea which way […]

  3. […] obsessive and take so much of our energy. They suck the life out of us. Based on my one of my last posts, clearly that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for a number of months. Let’s be […]

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